26 August 2009

Oh bugger

Toying with what to title my first blog. I thought of "When I Stared Death in the Face" or perhaps "The Time When a Nice Man Fondled My Testicles". But "Oh Bugger" came out and seemed appropriate.

Around the time when this very nice friendly man (around my own age at the time of late 20's), was gently rubbing and ultrasounding my testicles in hospital, I had developed an incredibly heightened sense
of the entire world around me. The sky seemed incredibly beautiful and blue, branches on trees gently swaying in the wind were mesmerising, and watching people interact with each other was completely fascinating. I all of a sudden was aware of every single little insignificant happening going-on around me. It was damn bizarre!

It sounds SO hippy like and airey-fairy, I completely agree, but that describes the sensation perfectly. The thing was, that I had noticed this all of a sudden, because it might all have been about to be taken away from me. I had developed a sense of my own mortality when I found a lump on my testicle.

Though, this isn't one of those cancer stories where I was brave and battled chemo and came through it better and stronger. Noooooo. I'm an imposter. I dodged that bullet - it wasn't cancer. But I spent 10 days thinking it was and that changed my perspective on my world. What kind of pisses me off in a way, is that I've actually lost a bit of that rose-tinted view of the world and have gone back to taking things for granted - but not entirely.

It did actually teach me to enjoy experiences that demonstrate that same sense of "BY GOD, I Love Being Alive!". As you might expect, that includes some experiences with death or near death. My own (kind of anyway - three times), my grandfather's, my daughter's, and the patients I've had when working in the hospital system. Not always in a morbid sad way, mind you.

I've spent most of my professional life working in a hospital and you learn a lot about life and living. Like how common depression is after (usually) older people have heart attacks. It's that old, "sense of your own mortality" thing again. They've had a major life-changing event and suddenly it's "oh bugger, I'm not going to live forever after all". And that scares the shit out of them. Fair enough I say - but get out there and enjoy what you do have left. Whether it's 3 years or 30. You don't have time to bugger around.

I think I was lucky - privileged - to have learned that in my 20's.

You'd think I'd be more like those motivational speaker people wouldn't you? No, there's no crazy zealot here. This blog is going to be my little reminder to myself that I've experienced some amazing things, and some "everyday and mundane" but very cool things. Some stupidly insignificant like my first espresso romano a few weeks ago, to the time I went blind with "sensory overload", to experiencing the absolute deepest pit of grief, to the exhilaration of "catching" my slippery-ass son when he was born. I hope it's going to sound interesting.

And guys - check your balls. Now. Go on - get in there and have a feel (don't squeeze too hard)

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